Funny Quotes By Comedians
Funny quotes by comedians are a selection of hilarious quotes that will humor you and make laugh. I would be shocked that you couldn’t find any of these funny comedian quotes truly humorous as they are the best in the business. It isn’t any secret that people who laugh tend to be healthier as laughter is like medicine, so release all the stress and enjoy a good read. Be sure to check funny food quotes and funny celebrity quotes for even more funny remarks.
Funny Quotes By Female Comedians
Funny quotes by female comedians proves that women can be funny just like men or sometimes even funnier. For me it doesn’t matter who is sharing the funny quotes, once its clean and hilarious. As you browse through these sayings by the various comedians you will see men and women, so nothing to worry about. The way life is going everyone needs a good laugh to bring sunshine into their life and that is what these comedians will do for you. Below are a number of funny quotes by comedians to make your day brighter.
Quote #1
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Mitch Hedberg
Quote #2
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Groucho Marx
Quote #3
“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
Mitch Hedberg
Quote #4
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
Robin Williams
Quote #5
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’”
Steven Wright
Quote #6
“There is a huge difference between a dog that is going to eat you in your mind and an actual dog that’s going to eat you.”
Jim Carrey
Quote #7
“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”
Robin Williams
Quote #8
“Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger.”
Jim Carrey
Quote #9
“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
George Carlin
Quote #10
“Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.”
Lorrie Moore
Quote #11
“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
George Carlin
Quote #12
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Quote #13
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
Robin Williams
Quote #14
“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”
Mitch Hedberg
Quote #15
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
Quote #16
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg
Quote #17
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Henny Youngman
Quote #18
“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote #19
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Quote #20
“A white boy that makes C’s in college can make it to the White House.”
Chris Rock
Quote #21
“Don’t argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It’s impossible you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense.”
Chris Rock
Quote #22
“A comedian is better than a politician; at least there is no doubt.”
Bangambiki Habyarimana
Quote #23
“Every sane toddler is an aspiring comedian.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Quote #24
“Take your risks now, as you grow older you become more fearful and less flexible. And I mean that literally. I hurt my knee this week on the treadmill, and it wasn’t even on.”
Amy Poehler
Quote #25
“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #26
“Do not stand directly in front of a cannon… how true that is.”
Brian Regan
Quote #27
“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Phyllis Diller
Quote #28
“I could go for a sandwich, but I’m not gonna open two jars.”
Brian Regan
Quote #29
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #30
“Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.”
Chris Rock
Quote #31
“You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.”
Anthony Jeselnik
Quote #32
“I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.”
Chris Rock
Quote #33
“Where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.”
Brian Regan
Quote #34
“There is no off position on the genius switch.”
David Letterman
Quote #35
“They call it softball, makes it sound like it’s harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball?”
Brian Regan
Quote #36
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Steven Wright
Quote #37
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #38
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #39
“You know what’s funny to me? Attitude.”
Don Rickles
Quote #40
“A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!”
Alan King
Quote #41
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
Quote #42
“I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.”
Bill Burr
Quote #43
“Who’s judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!”
Cris Rock
Quote #44
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #45
“Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don’t like gays? You’re gonna have a gay son. You don’t like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter’s gonna come home with Livin’ La Vida Loca!”
Chris Rock
Quote #46
“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who’s better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”
Chris Rock
Quote #47
“But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.”
Robin Williams
Quote #48
“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.”
Robin Williams
Quote #49
“Don’t let people treat you like you’re stupid. If it sounds too good to be true, it is.”
Sinbad
Quote #50
“You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.”
Jim Gaffigan
Quote #51
“When I asked my personal trainer at the gym which machine I should use to impress beautiful women he pointed outside and said the ATM machine.”
Trevor Noah
Quote #52
“Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.”
Oscar Wilde
Quote #53
“If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got poverty to fall back on.”
Trevor Noah
Quote #54
“Normal is nothing more than a cycle on a washing machine.”
Whoopi Goldberg
Quote #55
“Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion, just thinking foolishly that you will be able to do what you want to do.”
Tina Fey
Quote #56
“Everyone who wears a loincloth is not Gandhi.”
Johnny Lever
Quote #57
“A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Quote #58
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
Will Rogers
Quote #59
“As long as the world is turning and spinning, we’re gonna be dizzy and we’re gonna make mistakes.”
Mel Brooks
Quote #60
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
Quote #61
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #62
“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”
George Carlin
Quote #63
“Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can.”
Danny Kaye
Quote #64
“Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #65
“Why do they call it rush hour when no one moves?”
Robin Williams
Quote #66
“What’s right is what’s left if you do everything else wrong.”
Robin Williams
Quote #67
“Laughter is the closest distance between two people.”
Victor Borge
Quote #68
“The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.”
Eddie Murphy
Quote #69
“If it weren’t for electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
George Gobel
Quote #70
“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
Benny Hill
Quote #71
“The Internet gave us access to everything; but it also gave everything access to us.”
James Veitch
Quote #72
“Does America really need to the best at everything? You already dominate the world in economics, military power and obesity.”
Trevor Noah
Quote #73
“I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.”
Bill Hicks
Quote #74
“If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”
Eddie Izzard
Quote #75
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #76
“There’s two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!”
Eddie Izzard
Quote #77
“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”
Robin Williams
Quote #78
“Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’til it gets there.”
Josh Billings
Quote #79
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #80
“Don’t be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #81
“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”
Bill Maher
Quote #82
“Life is funny, and that’s why I celebrate it in my shows.”
Loni Love
Quote #83
“Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.”
Amy Poehler
Quote #84
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
George Carlin
Quote #85
“We need a little less forever 21 and a little more suddenly 42.”
Amy Poehler
Quote #86
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Quote #87
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
Mike Myers
Quote #88
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Quote #89
“Cricket is basically baseball on valium.”
Robin Williams
Quote #90
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Quote #91
“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
Robin Williams
Quote #92
“My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles”
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote #93
“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”
George Carlin
Quote #94
“I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote #95
“The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
George Carlin
Quote #96
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
David Letterman
Quote #97
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
George Carlin
Quote #98
“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
George Carlin
Quote #99
“I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ And I said, ‘I am.’”
Demetri Martin
Quote #100
“I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.”
Demetri Martin
Quote #101
“If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death.”
Paul Lynde
Quote #102
“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”
Norm Crosby
Quote #103
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote #104
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote #105
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Demetri Martin
Quote #106
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
Demetri Martin
Quote #107
“Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #108
“You say you’re sick and tired of hearing about me? I’ve got news for you: I’m sick and tired of hearing about me.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #109
“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote #110
“It’s easy to smile when you have a squirrel’s intellect.”
Dylan Moran
Quote #111
“Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.”
Frankie Boyle
Quote #112
“I’m actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.”
Dylan Moran
Quote #113
“In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.”
Frankie Boyle
Quote #114
“If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.”
Chris Rock
Quote #115
“When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”
Chris Rock
Quote #116
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”
Jimmy Kimmel
Quote #117
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
Tommy Cooper
Quote #118
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.”
Groucho Marx
Quote #119
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
Quote #120
“When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I’m a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.”
Chris Rock
Funny Quotes Black Comedians
Funny quotes by black comedians isn’t related to racism but the ability that they have to make you laugh. If you had to do your research carefully, you would recognize that majority of comedians who are truly funny are black. If you are looking for originality,be sure to check them out for you will certainly find it there as well. I am not taking away the originality and wittiness of another race, they are all funny, but I think black comedian take funny to another level. Be sure to check out funny quotes vacation for even more hilarious quotes.
