Funny Quotes From The Office
Funny quotes from the office are a collection of funny one liners and remarks from the show that are hilarious. The office showed for nine seasons and premiered in 2009. It was based on a British show with characters that spent most of their time in the office. It is full of humor among other things and is known for it quirkiness and weird relationships. You can also read funny quotes from movies and funny quotes by comedians for even more funny sayings by those who are seen on television.
Funny Short Quotes From The Office
Funny short quotes from the office will surely make your day if you are one of those who loved the show. The show aired for a long time which allowed many scenes to become very famous with their one liners and humor. The funny short quotes will definitely make you smile and have some fun and you reminisce on the jokes from days gone by. If funny is what you are looking for, you have come to the right place. Below are a number of funny quotes from the office you have to read.
Quote #1
“I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out…”
Kelly Kapoor
Quote #2
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”
Michael Scott
Quote #3
“I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #4
“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”
Michael Scott
Quote #5
“Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn.”
Andy Bernard
Quote #6
“And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”
Michael Scott
Quote #7
“Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.”
Jim Halpert
Quote #8
“The worst thing about prison was the dementors.”
Michael Scott
Quote #9
“The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.”
Oscar Martinez
Quote #10
“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”
Michael Scott
Quote #11
“One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.”
Jim Halpert
Quote #12
“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them.”
Andy Bernard
Quote #13
“Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?”
Kevin Malone
Quote #14
“I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike.”
Michael Scott
Quote #15
“Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #16
“Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.”
Kevin Malone
Quote #17
“No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?”
Michael Scott
Quote #18
“I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid.”
Phyllis Lapin-Vance
Quote #19
“I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.”
Pam Beesly
Quote #20
“It’s true. Around this office, in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.”
Stanley Hudson
Quote #21
“In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #22
“I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.”
Michael Scott
Quote #23
“I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.”
Creed Bratton
Quote #24
“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do not do that thing.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #25
“R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #26
“I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Kevin Malone
Quote #27
“A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard.”
Ryan Howard
Quote #28
“It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand.”
Quote #29
“I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30.”
Michael Scott
Quote #30
“Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.”
Angela Martin
Quote #31
“No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.”
Michael Scott
Quote #32
“The doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. I’m going to die.”
Stanley Hudson
Quote #33
“Joke’s on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist.”
Michael Scarn
Quote #34
“There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?”
Pam Beesly
Quote #35
“Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.”
Pam Beesly
Quote #36
“You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #37
“I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke.”
Michael Scott
Quote #38
“An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… an office is a place where dreams come true.”
Michael Scott
Quote #39
“Should have burned this place down when I had the chance.”
Micheal Scott
Quote #40
“Mind if I steal my wife?”
Bob Vance
Quote #41
Dwight Schrute: “Boo! Unimpressed. It’s a tightrope for babies. Boooo.”
Clark Green: “Alright, let’s see you do it.”
Dwight Schrute: “Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord.”
Quote #42
“Ain’t no party like a Scranton party cause a Scranton party don’t stop!”
Michael Scott
Quote #43
“Boy, have you done lost your mind? Cause I’ll help you find it!”
Stanley Hudson
Quote #44
“I kinda know what it’s like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.”
Kevin Malone
Quote #45
“Rit-dit-dit-do-doo!”
Andy Bernard
Quote #46
“I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.”
Andy Bernard
Quote #47
“So you’ve come to the master for guidance? Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper?”
Michael Scott
Quote #48
“You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.”
Creed Bratton
Quote #49
“When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.”
Creed Bratton
Quote #50
“Hey everybody, he’s not in the men’s room. Although the seat was warm, so we may have just missed him.”
Meredith
Quote #51
“You’re the people’s princess! Diana was nothing!”
Meredith
Quote #52
Toby: “Hey Michael, I have an extra twin bed if you want.”
Michael: “You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.”
Quote #53
“There are always a million reasons not to do something.”
Jan Levinson
Quote #54
“I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #55
“I’ve got a golden ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?”
Stanley Hudson
Quote #56
“Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.”
Michael Scott
Quote #57
“Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.”
Creed Bratton
Quote #58
“Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.”
Phyllis Lapin-Vance
Quote #59
“I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.”
Stanley Hudson
Quote #60
“Michael is leaving. And apparently, they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process — paperwork-wise.”
Oscar Martinez
Quote #61
“I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pammy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy.”
Pam Beesly
Quote #62
“I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.”
Creed Bratton
Quote #63
“I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.”
Michael Scott
Quote #64
“Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.”
Kelly Kapoor
Quote #65
“Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.”
Michael Scott
Quote #66
“I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.”
Pam Beesly
Quote #67
“Jim told me you could buy gaydar online.”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #68
“I say dance, they say, ‘How high?”
Michael Scott
Quote #69
“If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward?”
Creed Bratton
Quote #70
“Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.”
Kelly Kapoor
Quote #71
“Who is Justice Beaver?”
Dwight Schrute
Quote #72
“I am a black belt in gift wrapping.”
Jim Halpert
Quote #73
“If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.”
Ryan Howard
Quote #74
“I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.”
Angela Martin
Quote #75
“I’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes, pennies, walnuts.”
Pam Beesly
Quote #76
“Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?”
Kelly Kapoor
Quote #77
“I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.”
Michael Scott
Quote #78
“The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.”
Kevin Malone
Quote #79
“Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.”
Michael Scott
Quote #80
“My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.”
Jim Halpert
The Office One Liners
The Office one liners are amazingly funny and quirky at the same time. The characters of the show have all in their own way helped the show to stardom. The Office may no longer be airing as a live show but continues to be watched by many who love to watch reruns. After reading the hilarious quotes and one liners, feel free to check some of the other funny quotes that are found on Quotedb.
