Funny Quotes Jokes
Funny quotes jokes are some of the funniest sayings about anything that you will ever find in one place. It is a compilation of some of the best jokes on the internet that will leave your belly hurting from laughter. This may sound too good to be true, but much effort has gone into making this the best yet. You can judge for yourself by reading them all and make your conclusion. Don’t just stop at reading the quotes below though, as there are others like funny quotes of the day and funny thank you quotes .
Funny Jokes
Funny jokes are hilarious and have been added here as quotes for all to enjoy. Laughter is the best medicine and one of the best ways to laugh is via a joke or funny quote, however you see it. Never doubt the power of happiness and what it can do for the body. The ability to smile and giggle is to be cherished especially in the times in which we live, stress is a killer! The more funny quotes the better, so don’t be afraid to go through the entire funny category for even more items. Ready for some fun, here are the best funny quotes jokes that you can find.
Quote #1
“I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.”
Bill Murray
Quote #2
“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.”
Greg King
Quote #3
“Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it won’t stop the rain but it will allow you to keep going.”
Unknown
Quote #4
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”
Derek Bok
Quote #5
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.”
Tom Snyder
Quote #6
“As a family we couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated, so in the end we decided to let her live.”
Gary Delaney
Quote #7
“There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant.”
Unknown
Quote #8
“I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.”
H. Kyle Seale
Quote #9
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
Jeff Valdez
Quote #10
“A tortoise got jumped by four snails. When asked for a description, it replied: ‘I don’t know. It all happened so quick’.”
Unknown
Quote #11
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
Claude Pepper
Quote #12
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
Quote #13
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.”
A. Rooney
Quote #14
“I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!”
Unknown
Quote #15
“Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?”
Bill Murray
Quote #16
“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”
Unknown
Quote #17
“We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”
W. H. Auden
Quote #18
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”
Kate Davis
Quote #19
“What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!”
Unknown
Quote #20
“My girlfriend’s dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I’m going to do with two dead dogs?”
Gary Delaney
Quote #21
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Quote #22
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Quote #23
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.”
Dave Barry
Quote #24
“I asked my friend how his first day working down the sewer went. He said he felt drained.”
Unknown
Quote #25
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”
Stuart Turner
Quote #26
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Quote #27
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Dennis Waitley
Quote #28
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.”
Quote #29
“My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I finally had to take the bike off of him.”
Unknown
Quote #30
“Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.”
Woody Allen
Quote #31
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
Betty White
Quote #32
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Quote #33
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.”
Aldo Cammarota
Quote #34
“What does a baby computer call his father? Data!”
Unknown
Quote #35
“You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Quote #36
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Funny Quotes Jokes And Sayings
Funny quotes jokes and sayings are some hilarious remarks by some very hilarious individuals. I am sure many persons would have found the funny jokes above a delightful breath of fresh air. I had plenty fun preparing this, so I am sure that whoever reads will have as much fun as I did. If you had a blast by going through the length and breadth of these jokes, then you will find many other funny sayings, jokes and quotes by reading funny new year quotes.
