Funny Quotes Of The Day
Funny quotes of the day are wonderfully hilarious and a must read for anyone who loves a good laugh. This selection is vast and has an array of funny quotes from quite a lot of individuals. If you are looking for sayings to make your day, then these hilarious quotes will do the trick. Be sure to check funny cooking quotes and funny cousin quotes for even more funny sayings.
Very Funny Quotes Of The Day
Very funny quotes of the day will thrill you, make the heart glad like fine medicine. It probably won’t get any funnier than this as you browse through this huge number of quotes. These quotes are here to make you smile, laugh, giggle or do whatever it is you do when you read a funny quote. All of them may not make you laugh, but I am sure many will and that is good enough reason to read them all, don’t forget to share with a friend who may need cheering up. Below are a number of funny quotes of the day I hope will make your day.
Quote #1
“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”
Don Marquis
Quote #2
“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”
Abraham Lincoln
Quote #3
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
Quote #4
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
Bob Hope
Quote #5
“Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”
Daniel J. Boorstin
Quote #6
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”
Alexander Woollcott
Quote #7
“Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
Quote #8
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Waterson
Quote #9
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Quote #10
“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Quote #11
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
Andy Rooney
Quote #12
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”
Dennis Wholey
Quote #13
“I had plastic surgery last week – I cut up my credit cards.”
Henny Youngman
Quote #14
“Nobody goes there anymore because its too crowded.”
Yogi Berra
Quote #15
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”
Will Rogers
Quote #16
“He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.”
George Bernard Shaw
Quote #17
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
Sam Levenson
Quote #18
“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
W. C. Fields
Quote #19
“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”
Tom Lehrer
Quote #20
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Quote #21
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.”
Gilbert Gottfried
Quote #22
“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”
Larry David
Quote #23
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
Zach Galifianakis
Quote #24
“I’m one of the few people in Hollywood who actually had a good childhood.”
Seth MacFarlane
Quote #25
“If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.”
Larry David
Quote #26
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
Quote #27
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Quote #28
“Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.”
Tina Fey
Quote #29
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #30
“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.”
Margaret Culkin Banning
Quote #31
“In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.”
Demetri Martin
Quote #32
“Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.”
Doug Larson
Quote #33
“When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.”
Rich Hall
Quote #34
“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.”
Marty Allen
Quote #35
“Any pizza can be a personal pizza if you have the right attitude.”
Mark Withers
Quote #36
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Steven Wright
Quote #37
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Quote #38
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
Quote #39
“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”
Winston Churchill
Quote #40
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
Quote #41
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”
Robert Frost
Quote #42
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Phyllis Diller
Quote #43
“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”
Paul R. Ehrlich
Quote #44
“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Norm Crosby
Quote #45
“A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”
Laurence J. Peter
Quote #46
“A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.”
H L Mencken
Quote #47
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
Lana Turner
Quote #48
“Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
Bill Vaughan
Quote #49
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.”
John Wayne
Quote #50
“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”
John Maynard Keynes
Quote #51
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”
Will Rogers
Quote #52
“Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.”
Oscar Wilde
Quote #53
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
Albert Camus
Quote #54
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”
Ann Landers
Quote #55
“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
Charles Wadsworth
Quote #56
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Dennis Waitley
Quote #57
“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”
Desmond Morris
Quote #58
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Quote #59
“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.”
Ozzy Osbourne
Quote #60
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
Quote #61
“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
Walter Mathau
Quote #62
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
Quote #63
“Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.”
J. Paul Getty
Quote #64
“Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.”
Jeffree Star
Quote #65
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
Scott Adams
Quote #66
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
Quote #67
“I am an optimist. nut an optimist who carries a raincoat.”
Harold Wilson
Quote #68
“A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
Quote #69
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
Quote #70
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.”
Milton Berle
Quote #71
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
Mike Myers
Quote #72
“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.”
Jon Stewart
Quote #73
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
Quote #74
“The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.”
Jon Stewart
Quote #75
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #76
“Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.”
Gilbert Gottfried
Quote #77
“If you think you have it tough, read history books.”
Bill Maher
Quote #78
“The only bathroom law I’m interested in is one that bans loud sighing.”
Conan O’Brien
Quote #79
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #80
“This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.”
Bill Maher
Quote #81
“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”
Naguib Mahfouz
Quote #82
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”
Lily Tomlin
Quote #83
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’”
Conan O’Brien
Quote #84
“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
Bill Maher
Quote #85
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”
Bill Maher
Quote #86
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
Johnny Carson
Quote #87
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”
Jackie Mason
Quote #88
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Quote #89
“According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”
Jay Leno
Quote #90
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Quote #91
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron? ”
George Carlin
Quote #92
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
Quote #93
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”
Fred Allen
Quote #94
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
Quote #95
“can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”
Fred Allen
Quote #96
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.”
David Letterman
Quote #97
“Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.”
Stephen Colbert
Quote #98
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”
Dave Barry
Quote #99
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Quote #100
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
Prince Philip
Quote #101
“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.”
Oscar Levant
Quote #102
“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.”
Norm Crosby
Quote #103
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Mark Twain
Quote #104
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
Laurence J. Peter
Quote #105
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.”
Katherine Hepburn
Quote #106
“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”
Jean Rostand
Quote #107
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
Isaac Asimov
Quote #108
“All men are equal before fish.”
Herbert Hoover
Quote #109
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”
Gertrude Stein
Quote #110
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Quote #111
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Quote #112
“Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”
Charleton Heston
Quote #113
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Quote #114
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles Shulz
Quote #115
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
Charles Lamb
Quote #116
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
Caroline Rhea
Quote #117
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
Quote #118
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
Alan Dunes
Quote #119
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Quote #120
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Laugh Funny Quotes Of The Day
Laugh funny quotes of the day will do what no other thing can, make you smile. Maybe that is why so many people love funny quotes, because they love to laugh. It is known that laughter can do for a person what many other things can’t do. Don’t be afraid to laugh, it’s good for you and if you desire more to laugh about, check out funny goodbye quotes too.
